Author Archives: Soon Staff

TWITTER – Cryptocurrency has changed the world by allowing 32-year-old men like Davis Braden to send thousands of dollars to women they’ve only ever seen in possibly fake pictures. “You don’t know how much of a game changer this is. Before crypto, I had no way to demonstrate just how pathetic my simping was. Whether…More

NEW YORK – In a feverish market for collectibles, Samuel C. Parker, great great grandson of the inventor of pre-digital NFTs George C. Parker, has sold the Brooklyn Bridge as an NFT over 100 times at an average price of $1.7M each. “It was really exciting to be able to carry on my great great…More

BLOCKSTREAM HQ – Deep inside an undisclosed volcano, the Blockstream team gathers to pick usernames for Greg Maxwell’s next few hundred burner accounts on Reddit and Twitter. Just another day inside the lair en route to world domination. “It’s a thankless job trying to keep bitcoin captured on behest of our blood-drinking lizard overlords” chief…More

NEW YORK – TST reporters embedded at the CoinGeek 2021 “It’s About Time” conference have been searching for two days now to find an attendee who is not a speaker, CG employee, or actor making a paid cameo. “Amid the hundreds of seats with nearly a dozen scattered, forlorn humans occupying them, we finally found…More

In a stunning move predicted by none of the twelve people paying attention to BSV, the minority of a minority bitcoin chain has rolled out zero-hash mining. No one is quite sure yet how it works, or whether it was and intentional upgrade or the accidental result of Reggie Hampton’s mom tripping over the power…More

TWITTER – “Thanks to bitcoin, we can live free and governments can’t do anything to stop us” said BTC maximalist @bitcoomer69 in a low voice in a back alley through a state mandated face covering during a clandestine Twitter livestream that has now been flagged and removed by the platform in conjunction with the White…More

SAN FRANCISCO – The fast-growing Solana blockchain went down yesterday, freezing thousands of transactions and causing concern across crypto. After no investigation, the San Francisco Health Department declared that Solana ‘probably had Covid when it went down’. Despite protest from supporters who said SOL was just ‘mostly dead’, and also not a biological entity, it…More

MONACO – James Schlitzelbert is taking out garbage and mucking the stables on the newly acquired property in the French Riviera of a guy who put all his money into “literally any coin but BSV”. The owner wished to remain anonymous, but said he’s grown to love BSV, because it’s helped provide a source of…More

With El Salvador’s Bitcoin-at-gunpoint scheme hitting roadblocks, concern over NFT money-laundering, and the continued existence of Richard Heart, many feel crypto needs a fresh injection of credibility. “I kinda miss the days when Dentacoin and Bitconnect were around so at least there was some kind of veneer of credibility to phony crypto projects” Said crypto…More

GRAND RAPIDS – Joe Walter, a complete idiot, after learning about dozens of cryptocurrencies and projects from his son, asked if any of them were ‘useful’. “I was pretty embarrassed for him.” Said son Josh. “Here I thought he was tracking with me about the staking and yield farming and ugly JPGS. Turns out his…More

LONDON – The offices of nChain global received an important and long anticipated delivery late last night. A bonded courier, flanked by lawyers and security personnel, brought in a multiple combination locked case, handcuffed to their hand with partial keys held be two different people. Once nChain executives performed the proper legal signings, the case…More

TWITTER – After 8 months of searching, Jan Flanders found a chart that appeared to validate (for a particular slice of time) his particular denomination of crypto belief. “Don’t look at any other chart or data, this one says it all.” Jan Tweeted yesterday. “There can be zero doubt when you look at that curve.…More

TWITTER – The hashtag #dontkillcrypto is trending today, as thousands of crypto supporters lobby an institution they insist is helpless against them. A Tweet representative of the general sentiment came from @bitcoomer69: “Nice try government. You can’t touch crypto! Code is law bitches. But also could you amend that bill you’re about to pass, because…More

DES MOINES – 11-year old tech tinkerer Reginald “Reggie” Hampton, while hooking up ‘a couple computers’, accidentally re-organized 100 blocks on the BSV blockchain yesterday, shutting down apps and causing exchanges to freeze transactions. The youngster was in his mom’s basement, messing around with some ‘shitcoin stuff’ while waiting for his friends to get online…More

SLACK – A paid, private Slack group for supporters of Craig Wright and BSV had a big moment yesterday, as a member added a flexing arm emoji to a long post by Dr. Wright. “It was really bold. I couldn’t believe he did it.” Said one member of the group, who immediately added a +1…More

RIKERS ISLAND – Tether executives assured fellow inmates that the toilet paper tokens they’ve been issuing are in fact fully backed by cigarettes and cigarette equivalents. Bonesaw, an inmate leading a probe into the matter, was not so sure. “These fuckers telling us this shit’s backed, but I ain’t seen shit but words and promises.…More

CLUBHOUSE – A lively discussion about the benefits of BTC and the Lightning Network for enhancing self-sovereignty concluded with all the Maxis holding hands and declaring themselves totally autonomous and not reliant on anyone as long as all market actors keep pumping the price, fees don’t spike too much, someone offers LN liquidity, the routing…More

Bitcoin Televangelist and CEO of MicroStrategy Michael Saylor just accepted an offer to be a drive-thru associate at a Wendy’s near Arlington, VA. Saylor said the role will not interfere with his full-time job of Tweeting creepy religious things about bitcoin and buying it with corporate debt. He just needed a little extra cash since…More

Bitcoin SV has been delisted or disabled from the few remaining exchanges that still list it, suffered a double spend attack, and for all practical purposes no longer exists. No one is quite sure how long it has ceased to function, since no one was really paying attention. It’s possible it has been out of…More

CLUBHOUSE – Dozens of BTC supporters feverishly convened on the popular douchebag app Clubhouse to share their support for tyrannical dictators. “If only more people could be dominated by a man who swept to power on suspicious grounds and manufactures fake 92% approval ratings then forces private businesses to use the Lightning Network and does…More

LONDON – Craig Wright, self-proclaimed inventor of bitcoin, is being sued by the Anti-Animal Defamation League over “grotesque stereotypes involving elephant genitalia and mice” which he shouted on a recent YouTube interview. An interviewer asked Dr. Rev. Craig Steven Wright his thoughts on controversial “0 sat” transactions, and he responded with what the AADL called…More

TWETCH – A small group of people on the little-known BSV blockchain – the fork of BCH which is a fork of BTC – have declared symbolic victory over another small group of people in BSV. The very important battle is over whether “0 satoshi” transactions are possible on BSV. One side successfully broadcast one…More

A shocking development in the bitcoin world today, as a Lightning Network user successfully sent a transaction to another user on just the second try and after only three DMs to figure out invoicing. LN fan @bitcoomer69 shared the story: “It‘s pretty incredible. I just downloaded the wallet, waited for it to connect a while,…More

SYDNEY – On-the-ground reports and undercover interviews revealed that the entire cryptocurrency ecosystem is one giant scam pulled by Australia on the rest of the world. An anonymous investigator who shared his findings with TST said the journey to uncover this startling revelation began not long after he started listening to crypto podcasts. “I started…More

DAYTON, OH – James Grandling just finished uploading all of his old high school English papers to the BSV blockchain for no apparent reason. “Bitcoin is a universal truth ledger, which gets me really excited to add old coupons and stuff from my junk drawer to it and really be a part of the revolution.”…More

ANTIGUA – Gambling mogul turned BSV investor Calvin Ayre has undergone a controversial therapy in order to create multiple personalities so that he can ink more deals for his companies. “BSV has been bringing on the heavy hitters. Just today, my media company hosted a conference sponsored by my venture capital company in the auditorium…More

Analysis of the BCH blockchain revealed that 87.4% of all daily transactions are from a single wallet giving tips to definitely not fake accounts on the social network noise.cash and the publishing platform read.cash. Most analysts believe the wallet belongs to a large BCH investor who is known for promoting BCH by funding platforms where…More

As bitcoin prices plummet nearly 50%, bitcoiners are reminding everyone that they’ve always been here for the tech and barely even notice the price. “I don’t even know what CoinMarketCap is and I haven’t looked at it in the last five minutes anyway” said @bitcoomer69 on Twitter. “For me, it’s always been about what BTC…More

TWITTER – Elon Musk has been tweeting about bitcoin energy usage and the combined interactions on his tweets yesterday burned more kWh than Mexico. “Every tweet consumes teeny tiny bit of electricity, but in aggregate, it can sometimes be meaningful. In this case, it was off the charts.” Said Gil Vanderlaw, a Senior Fellow at…More

TWITTER – Elon Musk, famous for leveraging tax dollars into unprofitable ventures and tweeting, became the darling of crypto with his embrace of bitcoin earlier this year. It seemed like a match made in heaven. And then he began to ask questions. BTC maximalists, who were competing to see who could debase themselves at his…More

Famous goldbug and bitcoin skeptic Peter Schiff and his bitcoin believer son Spencer Schiff have between them absorbed 100% of attention and resources from investors who hate the Federal Reserve. “I kept wondering how to get more attention from crazed hard-money libertarians, and I realized the best way was bitcoin” Said the elder Schiff. “Unfortunately,…More

TWITTER – Brian Armstrong, CEO of the now publicly traded Coinbase, Inc, assured skeptics that bitcoin and cryptocurrency in general pose no threat whatsoever to the traditional, corrupt, slow, backwards, bloodsucking government/banking cartel. “We want to clear up misconceptions. 99% of the crypto economy is on centralized exchanges totally beholden to banking oligarchs, bureaucratic overlords,…More

The Oracle of Omaha has sold 100% of his shares in Apple, Bank of America, Coca-Cola, Heinz, Verizon, General Motors, and every other stock, bond, commodity, and index fund he owns. Buffet put all of his assets into the hot new cryptocurrency Cumrocket. He said, “I’m tired of being fearful when others are greedy, time…More

CoinGeek, the influential BSV-centric media company, announced in a series of articles that BSV has “Already won” and decisively beaten all other blockchains in size, scope, value, price, usage, hashpower, and social acceptance. BSV fans cheered this event, which they likened to former President George W. Bush’s famous “Mission Accomplished” moment, where he announced a…More

TWITTER – Things got heated yesterday in the crypto world, as a Twitter account run by a large man who wears My Little Pony outfits began threatening an account with a blue cartoon deer/man hybrid avatar. The blue deer posted a Tweet comparing certain BTC fans to a minor character from the Disney animated movie…More

In a heated discussion on YouTube, BSV app builders funded by VCs were excoriated by BSV app builders funded by rich guys who give them enough money to work full time on their business in exchange for some of the upside. “Only losers take Venture Cuckpital. Real entrepreneurs bootstrap their way to success. We focus…More

BATON ROUGE – No-name legislators in the state of Louisiana – a barely functioning polity which would be famous for widespread graft, corruption, and disfunction if it weren’t so small and utterly irrelevant – have passed a completely meaningless nonbinding resolution about bitcoin in a desperate attempt to get noticed. The resolution “Commends Bitcoin and…More

FLORIDA – After delays due to Covid lockdowns, followed by delays for Jewish holidays, Eastern Orthodox Pascha, Ramadan, and the Chinese Moon Festival, both sides in the lawsuit over an alleged 1M bitcoin held by Australian Craig Wright have decided to delay yet again for a series of important pagan and religious feasts and a…More

LONDON – Cyber security expert and self-proclaimed inventor of bitcoin Craig Wright says he has been hacked by malicious actors probably involved with intelligence and the mob in a sophisticated attack that involved copying the password he had written down on a sticky note in the office. The note, which was often seen on Wright’s…More

There’s nothing but solid fundamentals in the current crypto market, as evidenced by the fact that we have launched the TST token and people are trading it. With no clear plans or roadmap for the token, savvy, unemotional investors analyzed the underlying value within the first few seconds of reading a Tweet and began offloading…More

TWETCH – Last week, a campaign began to raise 10 BSV to sponsor user u/8370 to get a tattoo of Dr. Roy Murphy on his left buttock. What began as a fun social campaign to honor Dr. Murphy, the man an increasing number of people believe to be the creator of bitcoin, turned into a…More

A BSV fan who goes by @itsnotaboutprice on Twitter, and is known for arguing that price is not an indicator of success, is celebrating the recent surge in the price of BSV, which he says is a clear indicator of success. His tweets last week read, “I want to remind all the speculators on BTC,…More

A heated argument broke out today between free-market libertarians who favor BTC and those who favor BSV. At issue was which parts of the bloated, corrupt, illegitimate state they love most. BTC libertarians were quick to argue the merits of the SEC as a tool to curb competition, the glories of regulated fiat onramps, banking…More

TWITTER – BTC fans, who pride themselves on being based alphas who don’t care what anyone else thinks, are publicly begging every B-list celebrity in existence to please Tweet about BTC so other people will take it seriously. The pleas began as simple requests in the comments, but quickly escalated to offers such as their…More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress is probing bitcoin and cryptocurrency through a series of hearings this week, and they have requested as an expert witness a generic social media influencer who just discovered it. “We wanted to bring in a real expert who knows the space, so we chose a social media influencer who’s never mentioned…More

At The Soon Times we take our job of trustless, zero-confirmation reporting seriously. We sometimes put in a moderate amount of work to ensure our sources are pretty good. Last week, as the social media site Twetch released $tendies, a one of a kind rotating picture of a piece of fried chicken, we received insider…More

LONDON – Ontier LLP, the law firm representing Craig S. Wright, the man who claims to have invented bitcoin, has filed papers requesting several months of unpaid tithes from congregants of Wright’s former church. Wright, in addition to being a computer security expert who has been hacked more than anyone on the planet, was also…More

Charlie Lee, who created the bitcoin spinoff Litecoin, recently accused controversial BSV investor and promoter Calvin Ayre of not having any skin in the game and just trying to con people with BSV. “After I accidentally spun up Litecoin and never provided any meaningful development or support, everyone knew I was committed”, said Lee, while…More

Popular photogenic Twitter personality Anthony Pompliano, aka “Pomp”, sent markets into a tizzy with a single Tweet yesterday. “The current price of Bitcoin is whatever it’s trading at”, read the inane Tweet. Markets reacted with a swift 20% increase in the price of BTC, and Pomp was invited on to MSNBC to explain his Tweet…More

A group of bitcoin commentators who post regularly to the video platform Streamanity have released a token to allow their fans to share in their revenues. Once called, “A bunch of numpties” by angry viewers, the group, unfamiliar with British English, mistook the name for a compliment and adopted it as the official title for…More

Since the launch of the social media app Twetch, run by a frog called “Elon Moist”, other frog-themed avatars and accounts have proliferated on the platform. Now some claim they’ve observed newer frog avatars having lower testosterone and higher prevalence of digital hermaphroditism. InfoWars’ Alex Jones proposed a theory in a recent tirade on his…More

A marijuana themed token on the BSV blockchain has been tokenized, and that token tokenized. The ‘Tokin’ token’ was issued as a way for pot enthusiasts to have something familiar to look at in their wallet while high, but after a dramatic price spike upon release, the creators realized they could not only tokenize interest…More

MARS – Bitcoin maximalists achieved their dream of building a Citadel away from the filthy plebs where they could live like gods. Yet many now wish they hadn’t taken the one-way SpaceX flight, and are counting the days until they can return to live once again among nocoiners who are having a lot more fun…More

CashApp has followed the trail blazed by PayPal and Robinhood and introduced a “second layer solution” to BTC. They’re called IOUs and they’re totally unlike inflationary paper bills that entitled one to gold in the past, because they’re made in the present. “Since we ripped up the bitcoin protocol, shrunk the transaction throughput, skyrocketed the…More

Vlad Bergal has been into bitcoin since 2013. Never popular or socially adept, Vlad was all-in on bitcoin before most people knew it existed. “I would tell everyone about it, Tweet about it, post to forums, and sometimes even talk to humans IRL about it” said Bergal. “People would do the same thing they did…More

In a surprising interview, ETH founder and head honcho Vitalik Buterin admits he has no idea what the Ethereum Network is or does. “I sort of started it as an experiment, just to play around”, Buterin told the host of a venture capital podcast over the weekend. “I decided to just sort of make up…More

LONDON – A low-level hack of cyber security expert and technology company nChain resulted in a leak of highly sensitive information yesterday. Prominent among leaked items was nChain’s three-part business plan. The confidential memo obtained by TST outlined the firms roadmap: 1. All our enemies go to prison. 2. ??? 3. Profit. The source of…More

AUSTRALIA – Two little girls selling waffle cookies agreed, after a three hour lecture by BCH evangelist Hayden Otto, to accept BCH payment for one of their items. After some haggling over price, Otto set up a wallet on the phone of the girls mother, sent her $1.50 in BCH, took his cookie, and left…More

Daniel Krawisz released a Bitcoin Stuff video on Streamanity, and everyone who has watched it is complimenting the creator on its brilliance in ways that make them appear to understand its contents, but don’t commit them to any particular interpretation or explanation. “It’s really brilliant how you talk about Disney’s Moana, Gödel, and Julian Jaynes…More

In a groundbreaking move, TST is offering this article for sale as a Non-Fungible Token (NFT) to the highest bidder, with bids starting at $2.5M. This is the only article of its kind, unless someone copies and pastes it. If you send us some ETH after you look at it, you will have a transaction…More

TWITTER – A study conducted by the Social Media Avatar Research Trust concluded that every single user with a lightning emoji in their username has no idea how to use the Lightning Network and has never attempted to use it. The same results were found for users with “LN” in their profile, or who have…More

Cryptocurrency promises to remove power from the hands of the few and distribute it broadly, making it impossible to have a single point of failure. At least that’s the argument made by the anonymous Twitter account that controls 60% of all cryptocurrencies. Twitter user @duckbergpill has launched over 1,000 cryptocurrencies, is the sole moderator for…More

NY man David Ragnar has lived in his parents basement his entire adult life and never really made money. He’s lost plenty on various investment schemes and attempts at selling things online, and even managed to have a net loss during his brief stint as an Uber driver. Now Ragnar is offering a series of…More

SANTA CLARA, CA – Rob Seitzmore encountered cryptocurrency in 2016 through the popular social media site Reddit. Since then, he has developed a verbal tick; the inability to say more than three sentences without including the phrase, “Schelling Point” or other references to game theory even when not at all applicable. “First it was just…More

A new study found close to a 1:1 correlation between having laser eyes in your Twitter profile picture and impaired capacity for rational thought. “We found a strong disposition towards following arbitrary social cues and an inability to form coherent thoughts, especially about technology, finance, economics, money, and investment” Said John’s Hopkins researcher Elliot Grimm…More

TWITTER – Popular podcast host Joe Rogan Tweeted a segment from his show yesterday, in which he said, “Bitcoin seems pretty fucking interesting man. I wonder if you think that up on DMT. Can you imagine if gorillas were using this shit? You know they can use tools and shit, right? Like they learn to…More

Frustrated with the corruption of politics, many see Bitcoin as the solution. The phrase, “Bitcoin fixes this” has become a rallying cry among those who want a better world and also want to get rich without working. “The problem with laws and Constitutions is they are words written and maintained by humans,” a Bitcoin activist…More

SAN FRANCISCO – A group of BSV investors is touting the latest app in their portfolio, a game called BitSmiles where users swipe a button for $0.0001 to re-arrange a smiley face puzzle back to its normal shape. “We’ve been laying the groundwork for enterprise on BSV for some time, and this latest app proves…More

Bran Jadsen has been reading crypto investment charts for a very long time. He cut his teeth in the bull market of 2017, earning a reputation for correctly predicting rising prices of altcoins at a time when everything went up no matter what. “I was saying ‘It’s going up. It’s all going up!’ at a…More

After mounting, totally unfair criticism over the fact that Tether was lying to everyone the entire time about backing their USDT currency 1:1 with USD, the company provided additional evidence to the New York Attorney General’s office via email to clear things up. The email, touted as “Irrefutable proof” of Tether’s innocence, included only a…More

In a move considered controversial by bioethicists and technologists alike, the founder of MicroStrategy and prominent Bitcoin advocate Michael Saylor has uploaded his eternal soul to the Bitcoin Blockchain. Those close to Saylor say he’s been increasingly obsessed with the cryptocurrency, spending his waking hours tweeting cryptic messages about how it offers, “love and light…More

JUDAEAN DESERT – In a find some are calling as big as the Nag Hammadi Scriptures, new texts have emerged after more than a thousand years in a cave, revealing never before seen sayings of Jesus. Though the majority of the texts are almost identical to the gospels and other extrabiblical literature of the time,…More

At The Soon Times we take our job seriously. We seek to report on the world of crypto with the utmost journalistic integrity. Our principles are the same as any good blockchain project: Trustless Zero confirmations Mostly kinda anonymous Veneer of decentralization Threatening to the status quo Not easy for normies to understand Full of…More

PETER SCHIFF’S BUNKER – Financial guru and contrarian investor Peter Schiff, who made a name for himself by correctly predicting the 2008 housing bubble pointing out, counter to all the sophisticated economists, that you can’t make people rich by printing more pieces of paper, seems to be the only person on the planet not enamored…More

TWITTER – Bitcoin investor, evangelist, and business owner Roger Ver, once called “Bitcoin Jesus”, faces major backlash over his controversial practice of kindly offering to send people a few dollars worth of BCH instantly for free with no strings attached. “I won’t fall for your fucking scam you disgusting Judas. Go sell your shitcoin bcrash…More

A recent YouTube video claiming Adam Back is the man behind the Satoshi Nakamoto pseudonym, and the inventor of Bitcoin, is being shared and referenced repeatedly by Back on Twitter. “Did you see this video? Did everyone see this? Crazy right? I mean you’d have to be crazy NOT to think I’m Satoshi after seeing…More

Bernard Derkin, a polymath who claims to have “More knowledge and respect for law than any man alive” went to prison today. He was arrested on charges relating to failure to properly file vehicle registration forms and spent several years, his life savings, and his reputation defending himself in all levels of court. It wasn’t…More

CRYPTO TWITTER – A group of self-proclaimed “Toxic Bitcoin Maximalist Anarchists”, who believe that the initiation of violence and any claims to a monopoly on the use of force are always and everywhere immoral and inefficient, are begging and pleading with the US Securities and Exchange Commission to wield their iron fisted bureaucratic monopoly at…More

Responding to criticism that the tiny-block network has high fees and slow confirmation times, BTC Core Developers cleared up confusion yesterday in an email to TST: “BTC works like a charm. You just can’t use it for small, medium, or medium-large transactions because of the extremely high fees, and you don’t want to use it…More

A FOMO-fueled frenzy took place on the popular social media platform Twetch yesterday, upon release of a long awaited technical innovation; a denim hat with the word “Twetch” stitched across it. The hat was preceded by a mysterious promotional campaign promising big things “Soon” with a countdown clock. Many thought it may be the release…More

LONDON – A group of freelance writers for coingeek.com are filing a suit against the popular website thispersondoesnotexist.com, claiming the site is using their photos and passing them off as computer generated people. “Having your identity stolen just to be passed off as a generic, soulless cluster of pixels in order to help a site…More