Tether Insists Prison Token Fully Backed by Cigarettes

RIKERS ISLAND – Tether executives assured fellow inmates that the toilet paper tokens they’ve been issuing are in fact fully backed by cigarettes and cigarette equivalents.

Bonesaw, an inmate leading a probe into the matter, was not so sure.

These fuckers telling us this shit’s backed, but I ain’t seen shit but words and promises. We found two loose cigarettes on them and a busted toothbrush that had ’20 cigs’ written on it. They tryna tell me that’s the same as a pack of smokes but none of this shit adds up.”

Several inmates joined the probe and have thus far turned up little evidence of backing. The Tether execs tried to explain that “backed” has a fluid meaning based on prison barter market conditions, but they assured everyone assembled in the showers for the investigation that this was all FUD and they should keep trading the toilet paper scraps with confidence.