Authorities Baffled by NFT Heist

ZÜRICH – Global superstar Justin Bieber had a priceless ugly JPEG stolen last night from a top secret ultra-secure location. Some of the best detectives in the world remain mystified as to how the culprits were able to pull off the theft.

TST spoke with one of a dozen private investigators Mr. Bieber hired to solve the mysterious crime. He had no answers:

“This is like Ocean’s Eleven type stuff here. In my four-decades of investigation, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Bieber knew the risks of owning a worthless piece of fleeting cultural hype, so he took every precaution. He had a contract with a world-renowned wealth storage facility in an undisclosed location in the Swiss Alps, 24/7 armed security, state-of-the-art alarm systems, and triple vault doors between thieves and the laptop containing his digital children’s art.

The masterminds who lifted the item left no trace. No surveillance footage, no alarms tripped, no prints. In fact, Mr. Bieber only discovered the NFT had been stolen when he got online and saw the image – which is also his public profile picture on Twitter – popping up on other people’s profiles.

Authorities remain mystified:

This will go down in history with D.B. Cooper and the Antwerp Diamond Heist as one of the great unsolved crimes of our time. You hate to see it, but you almost have to tip your hat at the subtle ingenuity of the perpetrators.”