MIT — A group of researchers backed by OpenSea.io released a groundbreaking, peer-reviewed paper this morning that found that owning NFTs, specifically making an NFT your profile picture on Twitter, are the most powerful testosterone blocker currently available on the market.
The paper, titled “Searching For a Holistic Hormone Blocker,” compared dozens of common causes of low testosterone including soy consumption, seed oils, lack of sunlight and exercise, drinking tap water, getting a college degree, and being Samson Mow, to “being a grown man and making your Twitter profile picture a cartoon jpeg.” Researchers were shocked to discover that the latter group saw a drop of testosterone levels so significant that they at first thought there was an error.
Separate side studies however, which included blood samples from NFT luminaries like Kevin Rose, confirmed the finding. “The applications of a holistic hormone blocker are incredible,” said one researcher. “I’m most excited about the possibility of using NFT profile pictures as a form of male birth control.”
“We actually took Vitalik Buterin’s blood sample,” said another researcher. “But we couldn’t get an accurate testosterone measurement because there was nothing to measure.”
“We’re cautioning parents not to put your children on these,” said another researcher, “they have a legitimate medical use and should not be abused.” He noted, however, that he wasn’t too worried because “NFT profile pictures are most common amongst men in their 30s to 40s experiencing an emotional crisis” and went on to say “children usually haven’t been damaged enough to do stuff like that.”
Pfizer is currently working on an NFT Covid Vaccine profile picture which features a cartoon jpeg of your vaccine status, and a spokesperson says he is “confident it will far exceed any NFT on the market in blocking testosterone production.” As a disclaimer, he told TST reporters that “Pfizer cannot be held liable for anything we produce.”
More on this developing story, soon.