The Soon Times

HOUSTON – NASA’s Research Entity on Technological Atrophy and Regressive Deployment (R.E.T.A.R.D.) working group has been studying the cryptocurrency industry since 2017 to understand how it has managed to get worse on a pace previously thought impossible. Bergmon Scheiztelhoffer, chief of RETARD commented, “53 years ago, we landed men on the moon on the first…More

DUBAI – A diverse array of independent companies, all owned by Calvin Ayre, have come together to host a brand new conference with a fresh, snappy name that is sure to tickle crypto fanatics with borderline NSFW delight: The ‘BSV Global Blockchain Convention‘ is set for May 24-26. The event features a raft of amazing…More

ZÜRICH – Global superstar Justin Bieber had a priceless ugly JPEG stolen last night from a top secret ultra-secure location. Some of the best detectives in the world remain mystified as to how the culprits were able to pull off the theft. TST spoke with one of a dozen private investigators Mr. Bieber hired to…More

WASHINGTON – An explosive result of a DNA test conducted Friday shook the crypto industry to its core. According to crypto expert Alejandra Sardishan, it began when Satoshi Nakamoto, the anonymous inventor of Bitcoin, minted 21 million coins out of thin air. “It could have been 1 million or 100 million, it didn’t actually matter…More

MINNEAPOLIS – Area man Aaron Gainspoor has incurred tax liabilities through the use of several small, experimental apps that use tiny crypto payments to play games, pet dogs, buy JPGs, post, like, comment, and share content. Gainspoor wanted to be fully legally compliant, so he began taking advanced courses in accounting and tax law so…More

SPOKANE – In an attempt to educate his wife about a breakthrough technology known as micropayments, Sumptoshi Numptymonoto, has been droning on for days about its untapped potential. The technology has been available to businesses for 13 years, yet is used by none, which he says “Goes to prove how valuable it is”. Numptymoto’s wife…More

CANONIC – The Soon Times doesn’t just document history, we make it. Today, TST has minted the first NFT in history to be actually worth anything at all. Published exclusively on Canonic, the massively successful on-chain publisher with tens of users, this NFT is a combination tradeable digital token, e-book, audiobook, and redeemable for a…More

As the soonest year in crypto comes to a close, we decided to reflect back on the biggest happenings of 2021. Here are the top eleven stories of the year, fact-checked by our expert team: 11. Craig Wright verdict proves whatever side I’m on is correctFact-check: TRUE. I am in fact correct and this trial…More

On the twelfth day of Christmas,   Craig Wright gave to me, Twelve key slices,Eleven books-he’s-readingTen token lawsuits,Nine devs-a-cryingEight exchanges closing,Seven white papers,Six patents pending,Five PhDs!  Four drug dealers,  Three frozen nodes,  Two court orders and   A choice between death   Or Thai jail!More

LONDON – Dr. Rev. Craig Steven Wright, Esq., has filed a lawsuit against the popular group chat app Slack, claiming they are harming him by allowing him to be a user. After plaintiffs in the controversial Kleiman v. Wright trial requested that Slack messages Wright had been posting during the proceedings be admitted as evidence,…More

THE INTERNET – While there is no shortage of side-splitting satirical journalism in the crypto world, we at TST choose to stick to hard-hitting, serious, trustless reporting, even though it’s a lot more work. Still, it provides some needed comedic relief to follow the heated humor wars between the top two satirical news sites in…More

THE INTERNET – Bitcoin libertarians have been laying around, the fifth of November, honoring the memory of the radical activist Guy Fawkes, who sacrificed his life in a daring attempt to blow up the House of Lords. Though a supporter of a Catholic monarchy, Fawkes has been reinterpreted via pop culture over the years and…More

FLORIDA – CoinGeek Chief Bitcoin Historian Kurt Wuckert Jr. is known for live streaming BSV hot takes and coverage of Craig Wright legal battles from restaurants, sidewalks, his home, and hotel bedroom to at least half a dozen viewers. His employer has just upped the ante. A spokesperson for CG media said: “Kurt’s videos really…More

LONDON – Ontier LLP, a law firm representing the Reverend Doctor Craig Steven Wright, has sent a notice to Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook, Inc. (now Meta, Inc.) telling them to immediately cease using the word ‘Meta’ in any internal or external communications. The notice reads: “Our client Dr. Wright is the rightful owner of the…More

SLACK – An army of BSV fans at least a baker’s dozen strong are excited for the moment they believe will be next week when a judge makes a ruling that will give them fame, fortune, meaning, and wives. We caught up with @iworshipcraig_SV to get a sense of the expected outcome of the case…More

TWITTER – Cryptocurrency has changed the world by allowing 32-year-old men like Davis Braden to send thousands of dollars to women they’ve only ever seen in possibly fake pictures. “You don’t know how much of a game changer this is. Before crypto, I had no way to demonstrate just how pathetic my simping was. Whether…More

NEW YORK – In a feverish market for collectibles, Samuel C. Parker, great great grandson of the inventor of pre-digital NFTs George C. Parker, has sold the Brooklyn Bridge as an NFT over 100 times at an average price of $1.7M each. “It was really exciting to be able to carry on my great great…More

BLOCKSTREAM HQ – Deep inside an undisclosed volcano, the Blockstream team gathers to pick usernames for Greg Maxwell’s next few hundred burner accounts on Reddit and Twitter. Just another day inside the lair en route to world domination. “It’s a thankless job trying to keep bitcoin captured on behest of our blood-drinking lizard overlords” chief…More

NEW YORK – TST reporters embedded at the CoinGeek 2021 “It’s About Time” conference have been searching for two days now to find an attendee who is not a speaker, CG employee, or actor making a paid cameo. “Amid the hundreds of seats with nearly a dozen scattered, forlorn humans occupying them, we finally found…More

In a stunning move predicted by none of the twelve people paying attention to BSV, the minority of a minority bitcoin chain has rolled out zero-hash mining. No one is quite sure yet how it works, or whether it was and intentional upgrade or the accidental result of Reggie Hampton’s mom tripping over the power…More

TWITTER – “Thanks to bitcoin, we can live free and governments can’t do anything to stop us” said BTC maximalist @bitcoomer69 in a low voice in a back alley through a state mandated face covering during a clandestine Twitter livestream that has now been flagged and removed by the platform in conjunction with the White…More

SAN FRANCISCO – The fast-growing Solana blockchain went down yesterday, freezing thousands of transactions and causing concern across crypto. After no investigation, the San Francisco Health Department declared that Solana ‘probably had Covid when it went down’. Despite protest from supporters who said SOL was just ‘mostly dead’, and also not a biological entity, it…More

MONACO – James Schlitzelbert is taking out garbage and mucking the stables on the newly acquired property in the French Riviera of a guy who put all his money into “literally any coin but BSV”. The owner wished to remain anonymous, but said he’s grown to love BSV, because it’s helped provide a source of…More

With El Salvador’s Bitcoin-at-gunpoint scheme hitting roadblocks, concern over NFT money-laundering, and the continued existence of Richard Heart, many feel crypto needs a fresh injection of credibility. “I kinda miss the days when Dentacoin and Bitconnect were around so at least there was some kind of veneer of credibility to phony crypto projects” Said crypto…More

GRAND RAPIDS – Joe Walter, a complete idiot, after learning about dozens of cryptocurrencies and projects from his son, asked if any of them were ‘useful’. “I was pretty embarrassed for him.” Said son Josh. “Here I thought he was tracking with me about the staking and yield farming and ugly JPGS. Turns out his…More

LONDON – The offices of nChain global received an important and long anticipated delivery late last night. A bonded courier, flanked by lawyers and security personnel, brought in a multiple combination locked case, handcuffed to their hand with partial keys held be two different people. Once nChain executives performed the proper legal signings, the case…More

TWITTER – After 8 months of searching, Jan Flanders found a chart that appeared to validate (for a particular slice of time) his particular denomination of crypto belief. “Don’t look at any other chart or data, this one says it all.” Jan Tweeted yesterday. “There can be zero doubt when you look at that curve.…More

TWITTER – The hashtag #dontkillcrypto is trending today, as thousands of crypto supporters lobby an institution they insist is helpless against them. A Tweet representative of the general sentiment came from @bitcoomer69: “Nice try government. You can’t touch crypto! Code is law bitches. But also could you amend that bill you’re about to pass, because…More

DES MOINES – 11-year old tech tinkerer Reginald “Reggie” Hampton, while hooking up ‘a couple computers’, accidentally re-organized 100 blocks on the BSV blockchain yesterday, shutting down apps and causing exchanges to freeze transactions. The youngster was in his mom’s basement, messing around with some ‘shitcoin stuff’ while waiting for his friends to get online…More

SLACK – A paid, private Slack group for supporters of Craig Wright and BSV had a big moment yesterday, as a member added a flexing arm emoji to a long post by Dr. Wright. “It was really bold. I couldn’t believe he did it.” Said one member of the group, who immediately added a +1…More

RIKERS ISLAND – Tether executives assured fellow inmates that the toilet paper tokens they’ve been issuing are in fact fully backed by cigarettes and cigarette equivalents. Bonesaw, an inmate leading a probe into the matter, was not so sure. “These fuckers telling us this shit’s backed, but I ain’t seen shit but words and promises.…More

CLUBHOUSE – A lively discussion about the benefits of BTC and the Lightning Network for enhancing self-sovereignty concluded with all the Maxis holding hands and declaring themselves totally autonomous and not reliant on anyone as long as all market actors keep pumping the price, fees don’t spike too much, someone offers LN liquidity, the routing…More

Bitcoin Televangelist and CEO of MicroStrategy Michael Saylor just accepted an offer to be a drive-thru associate at a Wendy’s near Arlington, VA. Saylor said the role will not interfere with his full-time job of Tweeting creepy religious things about bitcoin and buying it with corporate debt. He just needed a little extra cash since…More

THE FUTURE – Craig Wright celebrates his twentieth year of talking publicly about being Satoshi Nakamoto with a groundbreaking conversation. For most people, celebrating their 65th birthday would consist of talking about their retirement plans and grandkids. Not so for Craig Wright, who jumped on a three-hour podcast for a YouTube channel with 15 subscribers…More

Bitcoin SV has been delisted or disabled from the few remaining exchanges that still list it, suffered a double spend attack, and for all practical purposes no longer exists. No one is quite sure how long it has ceased to function, since no one was really paying attention. It’s possible it has been out of…More

CLUBHOUSE – Dozens of BTC supporters feverishly convened on the popular douchebag app Clubhouse to share their support for tyrannical dictators. “If only more people could be dominated by a man who swept to power on suspicious grounds and manufactures fake 92% approval ratings then forces private businesses to use the Lightning Network and does…More

BSV supporters heavily promote the blockchain’s ability to let people “own their data”. It’s never been entirely clear how that works, but a groundbreaking new approach where users pay money to upload their data to the public blockchain that anyone can see for free is being touted. Before this new approach, users had to pay…More

LONDON – Craig Wright, self-proclaimed inventor of bitcoin, is being sued by the Anti-Animal Defamation League over “grotesque stereotypes involving elephant genitalia and mice” which he shouted on a recent YouTube interview. An interviewer asked Dr. Rev. Craig Steven Wright his thoughts on controversial “0 sat” transactions, and he responded with what the AADL called…More

TWETCH – A small group of people on the little-known BSV blockchain – the fork of BCH which is a fork of BTC – have declared symbolic victory over another small group of people in BSV. The very important battle is over whether “0 satoshi” transactions are possible on BSV. One side successfully broadcast one…More

A shocking development in the bitcoin world today, as a Lightning Network user successfully sent a transaction to another user on just the second try and after only three DMs to figure out invoicing. LN fan @bitcoomer69 shared the story: “It‘s pretty incredible. I just downloaded the wallet, waited for it to connect a while,…More

SYDNEY – On-the-ground reports and undercover interviews revealed that the entire cryptocurrency ecosystem is one giant scam pulled by Australia on the rest of the world. An anonymous investigator who shared his findings with TST said the journey to uncover this startling revelation began not long after he started listening to crypto podcasts. “I started…More

DAYTON, OH – James Grandling just finished uploading all of his old high school English papers to the BSV blockchain for no apparent reason. “Bitcoin is a universal truth ledger, which gets me really excited to add old coupons and stuff from my junk drawer to it and really be a part of the revolution.”…More

ANTIGUA – Gambling mogul turned BSV investor Calvin Ayre has undergone a controversial therapy in order to create multiple personalities so that he can ink more deals for his companies. “BSV has been bringing on the heavy hitters. Just today, my media company hosted a conference sponsored by my venture capital company in the auditorium…More

Analysis of the BCH blockchain revealed that 87.4% of all daily transactions are from a single wallet giving tips to definitely not fake accounts on the social network noise.cash and the publishing platform read.cash. Most analysts believe the wallet belongs to a large BCH investor who is known for promoting BCH by funding platforms where…More

As bitcoin prices plummet nearly 50%, bitcoiners are reminding everyone that they’ve always been here for the tech and barely even notice the price. “I don’t even know what CoinMarketCap is and I haven’t looked at it in the last five minutes anyway” said @bitcoomer69 on Twitter. “For me, it’s always been about what BTC…More

TWITTER – Elon Musk has been tweeting about bitcoin energy usage and the combined interactions on his tweets yesterday burned more kWh than Mexico. “Every tweet consumes teeny tiny bit of electricity, but in aggregate, it can sometimes be meaningful. In this case, it was off the charts.” Said Gil Vanderlaw, a Senior Fellow at…More

TWITTER – Elon Musk, famous for leveraging tax dollars into unprofitable ventures and tweeting, became the darling of crypto with his embrace of bitcoin earlier this year. It seemed like a match made in heaven. And then he began to ask questions. BTC maximalists, who were competing to see who could debase themselves at his…More

Famous goldbug and bitcoin skeptic Peter Schiff and his bitcoin believer son Spencer Schiff have between them absorbed 100% of attention and resources from investors who hate the Federal Reserve. “I kept wondering how to get more attention from crazed hard-money libertarians, and I realized the best way was bitcoin” Said the elder Schiff. “Unfortunately,…More

TWITTER – Brian Armstrong, CEO of the now publicly traded Coinbase, Inc, assured skeptics that bitcoin and cryptocurrency in general pose no threat whatsoever to the traditional, corrupt, slow, backwards, bloodsucking government/banking cartel. “We want to clear up misconceptions. 99% of the crypto economy is on centralized exchanges totally beholden to banking oligarchs, bureaucratic overlords,…More

The Oracle of Omaha has sold 100% of his shares in Apple, Bank of America, Coca-Cola, Heinz, Verizon, General Motors, and every other stock, bond, commodity, and index fund he owns. Buffet put all of his assets into the hot new cryptocurrency Cumrocket. He said, “I’m tired of being fearful when others are greedy, time…More

CoinGeek, the influential BSV-centric media company, announced in a series of articles that BSV has “Already won” and decisively beaten all other blockchains in size, scope, value, price, usage, hashpower, and social acceptance. BSV fans cheered this event, which they likened to former President George W. Bush’s famous “Mission Accomplished” moment, where he announced a…More

TWITTER – Things got heated yesterday in the crypto world, as a Twitter account run by a large man who wears My Little Pony outfits began threatening an account with a blue cartoon deer/man hybrid avatar. The blue deer posted a Tweet comparing certain BTC fans to a minor character from the Disney animated movie…More

In a heated discussion on YouTube, BSV app builders funded by VCs were excoriated by BSV app builders funded by rich guys who give them enough money to work full time on their business in exchange for some of the upside. “Only losers take Venture Cuckpital. Real entrepreneurs bootstrap their way to success. We focus…More

BATON ROUGE – No-name legislators in the state of Louisiana – a barely functioning polity which would be famous for widespread graft, corruption, and disfunction if it weren’t so small and utterly irrelevant – have passed a completely meaningless nonbinding resolution about bitcoin in a desperate attempt to get noticed. The resolution “Commends Bitcoin and…More

FLORIDA – After delays due to Covid lockdowns, followed by delays for Jewish holidays, Eastern Orthodox Pascha, Ramadan, and the Chinese Moon Festival, both sides in the lawsuit over an alleged 1M bitcoin held by Australian Craig Wright have decided to delay yet again for a series of important pagan and religious feasts and a…More

LONDON – Cyber security expert and self-proclaimed inventor of bitcoin Craig Wright says he has been hacked by malicious actors probably involved with intelligence and the mob in a sophisticated attack that involved copying the password he had written down on a sticky note in the office. The note, which was often seen on Wright’s…More

There’s nothing but solid fundamentals in the current crypto market, as evidenced by the fact that we have launched the TST token and people are trading it. With no clear plans or roadmap for the token, savvy, unemotional investors analyzed the underlying value within the first few seconds of reading a Tweet and began offloading…More

TWETCH – Last week, a campaign began to raise 10 BSV to sponsor user u/8370 to get a tattoo of Dr. Roy Murphy on his left buttock. What began as a fun social campaign to honor Dr. Murphy, the man an increasing number of people believe to be the creator of bitcoin, turned into a…More

On August 1, 2067, the user known as u/BCH4Eva posted on the btc subreddit about the censorship that his first post ever was encountering on the bitcoin subreddit. Under the title “/r/bitcoin censorship! I have been banned without a reason!”. The user articulated his shock at finding himself banned from the /r/bitcoin subreddit without even…More

A BSV fan who goes by @itsnotaboutprice on Twitter, and is known for arguing that price is not an indicator of success, is celebrating the recent surge in the price of BSV, which he says is a clear indicator of success. His tweets last week read, “I want to remind all the speculators on BTC,…More

A heated argument broke out today between free-market libertarians who favor BTC and those who favor BSV. At issue was which parts of the bloated, corrupt, illegitimate state they love most. BTC libertarians were quick to argue the merits of the SEC as a tool to curb competition, the glories of regulated fiat onramps, banking…More

TWITTER – BTC fans, who pride themselves on being based alphas who don’t care what anyone else thinks, are publicly begging every B-list celebrity in existence to please Tweet about BTC so other people will take it seriously. The pleas began as simple requests in the comments, but quickly escalated to offers such as their…More

As RelayX announces the ability to buy and sell ticker symbols on its DEX, NPCoin declares a lawsuit against NumptyCoin for using the ticker, NPC, on the exchange. In the lawsuit, NPCoin states that they own several blockchain patents related to NPC and demand that all NumptyCoin holders send their coins directly to the management…More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress is probing bitcoin and cryptocurrency through a series of hearings this week, and they have requested as an expert witness a generic social media influencer who just discovered it. “We wanted to bring in a real expert who knows the space, so we chose a social media influencer who’s never mentioned…More

At The Soon Times we take our job of trustless, zero-confirmation reporting seriously. We sometimes put in a moderate amount of work to ensure our sources are pretty good. Last week, as the social media site Twetch released $tendies, a one of a kind rotating picture of a piece of fried chicken, we received insider…More

LONDON – Ontier LLP, the law firm representing Craig S. Wright, the man who claims to have invented bitcoin, has filed papers requesting several months of unpaid tithes from congregants of Wright’s former church. Wright, in addition to being a computer security expert who has been hacked more than anyone on the planet, was also…More

Charlie Lee, who created the bitcoin spinoff Litecoin, recently accused controversial BSV investor and promoter Calvin Ayre of not having any skin in the game and just trying to con people with BSV. “After I accidentally spun up Litecoin and never provided any meaningful development or support, everyone knew I was committed”, said Lee, while…More

Popular photogenic Twitter personality Anthony Pompliano, aka “Pomp”, sent markets into a tizzy with a single Tweet yesterday. “The current price of Bitcoin is whatever it’s trading at”, read the inane Tweet. Markets reacted with a swift 20% increase in the price of BTC, and Pomp was invited on to MSNBC to explain his Tweet…More

A group of bitcoin commentators who post regularly to the video platform Streamanity have released a token to allow their fans to share in their revenues. Once called, “A bunch of numpties” by angry viewers, the group, unfamiliar with British English, mistook the name for a compliment and adopted it as the official title for…More

Since the launch of the social media app Twetch, run by a frog called “Elon Moist”, other frog-themed avatars and accounts have proliferated on the platform. Now some claim they’ve observed newer frog avatars having lower testosterone and higher prevalence of digital hermaphroditism. InfoWars’ Alex Jones proposed a theory in a recent tirade on his…More

A marijuana themed token on the BSV blockchain has been tokenized, and that token tokenized. The ‘Tokin’ token’ was issued as a way for pot enthusiasts to have something familiar to look at in their wallet while high, but after a dramatic price spike upon release, the creators realized they could not only tokenize interest…More

MARS – Bitcoin maximalists achieved their dream of building a Citadel away from the filthy plebs where they could live like gods. Yet many now wish they hadn’t taken the one-way SpaceX flight, and are counting the days until they can return to live once again among nocoiners who are having a lot more fun…More

CashApp has followed the trail blazed by PayPal and Robinhood and introduced a “second layer solution” to BTC. They’re called IOUs and they’re totally unlike inflationary paper bills that entitled one to gold in the past, because they’re made in the present. “Since we ripped up the bitcoin protocol, shrunk the transaction throughput, skyrocketed the…More

Vlad Bergal has been into bitcoin since 2013. Never popular or socially adept, Vlad was all-in on bitcoin before most people knew it existed. “I would tell everyone about it, Tweet about it, post to forums, and sometimes even talk to humans IRL about it” said Bergal. “People would do the same thing they did…More

In a surprising interview, ETH founder and head honcho Vitalik Buterin admits he has no idea what the Ethereum Network is or does. “I sort of started it as an experiment, just to play around”, Buterin told the host of a venture capital podcast over the weekend. “I decided to just sort of make up…More