BLOCKSTREAM HQ – Deep inside an undisclosed volcano, the Blockstream team gathers to pick usernames for Greg Maxwell’s next few hundred burner accounts on Reddit and Twitter. Just another day inside the lair en route to world domination.
“It’s a thankless job trying to keep bitcoin captured on behest of our blood-drinking lizard overlords” chief reptile Adam Back said. “Plus, people don’t know the kinds of things they do to us when we screw up.”
Back just finished raising another massive round of funding, which he said was harder this time, since he’d already sold off his soul and allegiance to various Egyptian mystery gods and secret societies in previous funding rounds.
“I didn’t have a lot to offer, especially since we’ve never even attempted to deliver a working product, revenue, or business model that makes sense. Still, I can lean on our pitch from our first round; we control Bitcoin and the minds of all its idiot users, which means we can ensure it doesn’t upset any royal bloodline banking families. I even threw in some stuff about how we’re ‘blocking-the-stream’ of payments so we can sell ‘liquid’ to unhappy users. Get it?!”
Back said despite his worries, his Illuminati backers had no problem shelling out a few hundred million more. They didn’t even seem particularly interested in his lack of progress on anything resembling a product remotely close to half as good as bitcoin was a decade ago. In fact, they said that was what they were most bullish about.
“The great thing about our investors is they take the long view” said Back, “I mean like hundreds to thousands of years. They’ve been worshipping Moloch since before humans invented writing, so I think they know a thing or two about patience. They assured me, as they replace two-thirds of the population with AI-implanted genderless pig-human hybrids, we’ll be a big part of it because of our loyalty.“
Others at Blockstream seemed patient as well, despite an urge to get the show moving and come out of the shadows a bit more. One told TST they had originally named the Lightning Network “The Lucifer Network” but investors weren’t quite ready for the big reveal, and were also worried about offending The Dark Lord by naming something so shitty after him.
Asked when the full takeover of humanity by his investors would be complete, Back said, “Probably 18 months.”