WASHINGTON – An explosive result of a DNA test conducted Friday shook the crypto industry to its core. According to crypto expert Alejandra Sardishan, it began when Satoshi Nakamoto, the anonymous inventor of Bitcoin, minted 21 million coins out of thin air.
“It could have been 1 million or 100 million, it didn’t actually matter because Bitcoin’s father, The Fed, had unleashed Money Printing from Thin Air© technology decades earlier. Now we just tacitly accept that any number currency designers can spin on a Mint-A-Coin™ wheel is acceptable,” she explained to The Soon Times.
The timing of the announcement couldn’t have been worse for some. Fans of coins such as Bitcoin and Etherium were already grappling with the issue of inflation after a major market correction. Investors who previously believed they were against inflation found themselves unironically cheering for the price of their favorite coins to be synthetically pumped again.
In hindsight, the value of crypto assets had been artificially inflated by paid hashtag campaigns from Eastern European bot farms or underwater bag holders tricking mainstream media into pushing fake news about major government subsidized retailers accepting their beleaguered coins. All of it made possible by the loose monetary policy of the Federal Reserve to print unlimited dollars that normies across the United States could spend on crypto instead of groceries.
Cryptoheads across the internet seemed to be in mourning as one of their favorite talking points of the crypto propaganda machine was deteriorating before their eyes.
“This whole time I thought I was hedging against inflation,” stated Fred Johnson as he scraped an ‘End the Fed’ sticker off the bumper of his Tesla while livestreaming. “Why the fuck would I want the value of my house to go down? Or my stocks? I didn’t get it and now I feel like a fool. Why the fuck would you strengthen the dollar against your crypto portfolio? I believed these Mfers on Crypto Twitter and Youtube and now I feel betrayed,” he railed as his broadcast gathered steam and +1,000 views.
In the comments some still expressed denial, claiming Satoshi had never liked government and would not appeal to the government or the court system for validation. But for all that expressed shock or disbelief there was also acquiescence. An anonymous source inside Luna Terra explained it this way,
“Such a relief to be finally out of the closet on this. 100% Luna was inspired by bailouts and the Federal Reserve. The bailouts were a work of art TBH. An absolute masterpiece of financial ingenuity!” The source continued, “Think about it. Yesterday it wasn’t cool to say that out loud. But the world has changed my friend. I can finally live my truth and be proud. I mean, right out in the open and not feel like I have to censor myself? I’m just gonna say it right now- I love the Fed and I love inflation. Hope we can inflate our way back out of this dip!”
On the other side of the cryptosphere most NFT artists had heard about the test results and didn’t seem surprised. NFT minters continued to go brrrr, churning out unlimited quantities of zero effort products to sell to consumers. Minters had already solved the perplexing problem of how to turn a 4 by 4 inch pixelated JPEG into US Dollars long ago (6 months in crypto terms).
Now many had gone to the next level and programmed their computers to create the images for them, completely eliminating the bare minimum physical effort that had previously been required to make questionable art. Had they been imitating the father they knew all along or was minting USD just in their DNA? Either way printing is getting its due in the art world and the FED is back in style!
Contributed by one of TST’s vast network of guest reporters.
