Jesus to Blind Nocoiner: “Have Fun Staying Poor”

JUDAEAN DESERT – In a find some are calling as big as the Nag Hammadi Scriptures, new texts have emerged after more than a thousand years in a cave, revealing never before seen sayings of Jesus.

Though the majority of the texts are almost identical to the gospels and other extrabiblical literature of the time, there are a few passages that have scholars baffled. In one story, Jesus says to a blind beggar who seeks his aid,

“How many times did I tell you ‘Bitcoin fixes this’? You put your trust in gold, but I told you to put everything you have into Bitcoin. Don’t come at me when you’re rekt.”

In another fragment, the Disciples ask what they should tell those who do not understand Jesus’ parables. Though some of the scrolls are obscured, most scholars agree the text reads,

Have fun staying poor.”

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